How He Hates Her
by TheCookieMonster77
Summary: He hated how everything that was making her happy was pushing him further into hell. He wished she would just die so that he could move on with his life. But when she was dead, he would gladly trade everything he had to go back to his previous hell because then at least she would be alive and happy. True love isn't about your happiness-it's about your beloved's. T for some swearing


How He Hates Her

Summary: He hated how everything that was making her happy was pushing him further into hell. He wished she would just die so that he could move on with his life. But when she was dead, he would gladly trade everything he had to go back to his previous hell because then at least she would be alive and happy. True love isn't about your happiness-it's about your beloved's.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

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He hates that when his entire world crumbled into ashes and misery she just pretends to live and be happy. Can't she see that his world is nothing without her? How can she just ignore his love and everything he's done for her?

He'd happily take all of the Death Eater's pestering, taunts, and threats if she'd just be his friend again. But does she see that? No. Worse, she goes about her daily life as if nothing ever happened. It doesn't matter that he can see through her pathetic attempt at pretending everything's normal - she refuses to properly mourn the loss of their friendship and it's _killing _him. They were best friends for years and she can't even bother to show that he mattered at least a _little_ bit to her. But she never cracks, never shows. And now he can't be sure if he ever mattered to her as much as she matters to him.

But even with all the pain he's going through, he still chases after her because he's the idiot who's in love with her, and dammit, he just wants her back in his life. So he resigns himself to apologizing, groveling, and watching because at some point she has to realize that she needs her best friend again and he's too much of a fool and masochist to let her go.

The resentment - not hate, he can't hate her properly - grows when she comes back sixth year (she's been avoiding him all throughout summer) and she _still_ ignores him even though they're under the same roof and have half of their classes together. He hates the fact that her life isn't completely derailed like his is but he knows he deserves it. So he suffers through the rest of the year, hoping that she'll come to her senses at some point and they can just go back to being best mates again. Even though it won't be quite the same, at least she'd be back in his life. He could live with that. But it doesn't happen and he's growing more desperate.

Come seventh year, Severus is just about to tear his hair out in frustration and possibly hex half the school to kingdom come because she's still avoiding him. But it's even worse than sixth year because she seems _happier_ than she ever was. How dare she ignore everything he's doing in trying to get her back! He thinks he just might hate her because she's happy when he's in hell. But he dismisses that thought when he knows he's still in love with her. If she'd just accept him back into her life than none of what she's putting him through would matter because _he just wants her back_.

But no, she keeps him in hell and now he truly hates her.

Fucking _James Potter_ now acts like he owns her - touching her every time they're together, sending her gifts every day, possessively defending her honor. It's driving Severus insane because that should be _his_ job and fucking James Potter's not allowed to do that. James Potter's not allowed to own Lily.

But the worst part, the part where Severus learns to _hate_ her, is that _she just lets him do it_.

He stopped groveling when she let Potter into her life. He tried to ignore her and cut her out of his heart and existence but she and the blood-traitor _flaunted_ their relationship. She betrayed him in the worst way possible. She rubbed it in his face that his life is hell and that she's happier with his arch nemesis than she could ever be with him.

When he can't ignore her, he hurts her. He doesn't want to hurt her but she leaves him with no choice. Why should she be happy when she puts him through hell every bloody day? Why couldn't she be happy with _him_?

He hates that she makes him burn with jealousy and drives him to the brink of insanity with all of her and her fucking boyfriend's lovey-dovey bullshit. But he sticks around because when Potter eventually breaks her heart and shatters her like what she did to his, he wants to be there. He wants her to come groveling back to _him_.

But she doesn't. She stays with Potter and falls in love with him. Severus isn't allowed to be a part of her life anymore because now she has _James Potter_ to fill his old position. And he hates her for it.

After school when he and the rest of the Death Eaters become Dark Lord's official lackeys (because that's what they are, no matter how much they insist otherwise) he hoped she would find out. Hoped that she would realize she drove him to this, that her friendship could have changed this. Hoped that she would feel guilty and suffer for it.

But she doesn't. And she shouldn't. Because even if he never admits it, he was the one who chose this, the one who picked hell over the love of his life.

And when they meet on the battlefield, opposing each other, he hates how beautiful she looks. Even as a soldier, something she never should have become, she's beautiful. She _glows_ as she fights alongside with Potter and the rest of his bastard friends. She glows in the way he never can, because she found love somewhere else while he still pines away for hers.

He shatters when he hears of her wedding.

So he locks himself away even further, ignores those dreadful taunts shot at him by the Death Eaters and the Dark Lord. He hates that she is always thrown in his face to mock him. He hates her more and more as she keeps getting happier and happier while he is dragged further and further into hell. He throws himself into his work for the Dark Lord, taking riskier and riskier jobs for the Dark Lord, because eventually he'll get one that's too dangerous, too difficult for him to do and hopefully die. No hell in death could be worse than the one he lives in now.

But alas, he survives everything that's thrown at him. He survives missions that should have killed him but he comes out alive because he has nothing left to lose. His success makes him one of the Dark Lord's inner, most trusted circle, and he hates it. He hates the power he once thirsted for.

He hates it because she's not there to enjoy it with him.

It was supposed to be them against the world, Lily and Severus, Severus and Lily. He wanted power to keep her by his side, to keep her as fresh, innocent Lily Evans.

But instead, he was thrown into hell and she's dead. Lily _Potter_ killed Lily Evans and he hates her more than anything in this world, even himself.

He thinks that if she died, he'd be happier.

And after he relays that ridiculous prophecy he heard (the thing sounds so preposterous that he's amazed the Dark Lord even cares), he's shocked that the Dark Lord could possibly think to hurt _Lily_ for some idiot's crackpot prophecy.

He hates that he tries to save her. Even when he thinks that he'd be happier if she were dead, he still tries to save her because he's the fucking fool who's been in love with her since he was eleven and he can't seem to stop. But when he spies her with her husband in the Order meetings (because Dumbledore forces him to attend those in disguise) he's sure he hates her more than ever because she managed to find happiness in their current hell. He's so sure that he hates her that he can't even figure out why he's trying to save her.

He figures out the answer when the world turns up on its head and she's dead.

He can't comprehend her death. It's just so wrong. Lily is full of life. Always has been. Lily dead is just...wrong. She's not allowed to be dead. The world just doesn't work that way.

But the world never did work the way it's supposed to. She's dead and so he's dead to the world, trying to comprehend how someone so pure, so vivacious, so _Lily_ could be dead. It's so, so wrong. And it's even worse for him because he's still alive, even though most of him is dead because she's dead. But then again, he's been partially dead ever since that day by the lake in fifth year and has been slowly dying since. It's so wrong because she was supposed to be alive and by his side, forever and ever.

It kills him that the woman he loves more than anything else, the woman he'd do anything for is dead.

He hates that she hasn't been his for six long, torturous years. He hates her even more for choosing _James Potter_ over him. He hates that she was happy with Potter.

He hates that she put her trust in the wrong people. Even if he loves how she can see the good in anyone and everyone, he hates how her beloved uniqueness kills her. He hates that she killed herself.

He hates that Dumbledore managed to trick him into staying alive for her son. The stupid brat manage to survive where she couldn't, and he's not sure whether to hate the brat or just cry tears of joy that a part of her lives on, even if it's mixed with Potter's blood.

He hates her even more for leaving him in such a permanent way. He'll never again be able to see her brilliant smile, her twinkling eyes, or anything else that made her her. He hates that he'll being see her ghost in everyone around him, looking for echoes. Because even though the echoes will make him hurt even more, that brief, brief moment where he sees, hears, smells, anything to do with her he'll be happy. He hates that those echoes almost as much as he yearns for them.

He hates that she can make him love her even in death.

But what he hates more than anything else is that he couldn't be the one to love her and he hates how his love for her can't fix all of the mistakes she made, and give her back her perfect future, even if it's with Potter and not him.

Because true love isn't about your happiness-it's about your beloved's. He hates that his love couldn't bring Lily Evans happiness.

And for that, he hates her more than anything else.


End file.
